Mourning Tears

shewatchedthesky

Here again on Guest Friday is Dorothy Skarles, who shares her thoughts on bereavement. 

Welcome Dorothy!

###

Going through a very old quotation book in prose and poetry from the greatest writers, ancient and modern, I spotted this verse written by Richard Monckton Milnes to Myrzha.

"He who for love hath undergone
The worst that can befall,
Is happier thousandfold
Than on who never loved at all."

As I read these four lines, I began to accept the reality of my loss, and realized that love truly makes the world go round so I could love back.

In a bereavement group, they tell you that you must express your feelings in order to get on with your life.

And guess what? Talking to strangers who are experiencing the same loss and grief does make you feel better, even when at first, you don’t believe it will.

After all, taking two aspirin doesn't make your feelings go away, and the prescribed tranquilizer only makes you feel worse. How could a bereavement group help ease your pain or make it go away?


WolfSoul

The pendulum between a man and a woman in bereavement is a mile wide when it comes to talking and trying to heal over the death of a loved one.

From my observation, men say very little about how they feel. The most they will reveal is what their spouse died from—"My wife died of cancer" or "I took care of her." And if they get upset, they just get up and leave and never to come back.

Out of six men in the group, only one remains. At the age of forty-five, he lost his fiance a month before the wedding, and eight months have passed since she died in her sleep next to him. He acknowledges her death, but what he doesn’t accept are friends and work buddies who always ask, "How are you?"

His answer always is, "Fine. Just fine," and he quickly walks away.  But what he really wants to say is, "How the friggin do you think I feel?"

Then there are the buddies who want to set him up with someone else, and he just shakes his head when he hears, "Hey, I have a sister-in-law who's divorced. I’ll introduce you."

It is hard for him to cope, and he thinks that his friends should know how he feels.

Women in the bereavement group are different. They will talk, cry, and open up.  And they will stay in the group for at least three or four months before leaving.

by Cesar S..

Some women however, say they didn’t cry at first because they had to take care of too many things. Like the woman who finally came to a bereavement group after being a widow for thirty years, a status that left her feeling abandoned while having to work, and raise three small children alone, and than caring for their children.

Now all she hears is, "Mom, join the garden club, make friends, get out and do something."

Suddenly, her children don’t need her, and she feels as if she gave up her own life to take care of them. She says she grieves not only for the loss of her husband, but now for herself. A grief that her children don’t understand.

Her anger, and blame may be unreasonable, but her tears are for growing old alone, and feeling less than whole.

I have learned from the support group that grief for a loved one is an inescapable pathway through a maze of "mourning tears." The first small steps taken toward recovery that leads the way to a new life, and a new beginning.

daskarlesÓ2011

Thank you, Dorothy.